So as we follow on from this weeks theme, sharing with all of you som of my personal stories and how my experience went with them.

So tonight’s blog post is on how my experience with depression was/is.

Again, where did this begin I don’t know? I was in the mix of dealing with anxiety, OCD & an eating disorder that half of it was going unnoticed.

I started getting very self worth, hopelessness , didnt want to here feeling a, i was feeling my self slump into this very bad mindset, that i just let flow into my life like it was to happen.

I use to let it affect absaloutly everything in my life, i used to let it affect friendships, relationships, work , uni anything.

I remember taking on some work with the uni – i became a secretary, an this is when it really started coming to light, i would always make excuses as to why I couldn’t go, why I couldn’t do x y z that i ended up loosing that position, nd all i thought was they are talking about me, hey hate me. When they didnt they just didnt know the truth.

I guess the worst of it really came when I finished UNI and went to my first accounts job, oh boy i hated it i just done it to look as though i was doing something with my degree, but i hated sitting at a desk, doing nothing because I’m such a fast worker that I worked through everything so fast i had nothing to do so i used to just sit and spin on a chair.

I had to get out there and out there fast, i was dealing with slight regret at the same time because in my previous job whilst i was at uni i became a manager and they were wanting to promote me even further but i thought nothing of it and thought i must go do something with my degree.

So i was dealing with regret, not knowing what i wanted to do, couldn’t get into anything, lost all hope for everything and just felt bleugh, it was a black cloud that was never lifting, it just kept coming and coming and coming.

I never liked anything i done i just got new job after new job in the hope it wou fill a void, even though i had therapy to talk issues through, i was trying to do things but it never worked.

The only thing could actually make this better would be if i got myself into a good state and actually ask what i wanted to do.

I went through some tough years after this, having like a spell o good months then a bad one , i was trying to find myself but I wasn’t ready, i had bad thoughts , bad day so just wanted to run away.

It was that bad i thought it was going to be the end of me, but then I found light.

My experience with depression was no more….

Hey all my beautiful readers, I hope you are enjoying what I am producing so far, I am here to spread positivity and hope that it may help someone.

Thought i would just add that little bit in there just because… anyways back to the blog.

Today’s blog entry, following my mental health series, is going to be on my experience with an eating disorder – anorexia & binge eating.

I cant quite remember when this all perfectly started, but i do remember some thoughts on the matter and almost how it started.

When I was 15/16, i had a bad school life, i never felt i was not being bullied in some way or another, i was always the girl who was picked on, which led me to always looking at others and wishing i was them.

I was NEVER EVER good enough for anyone, and especially not good enough in my own eyes, this is when the problem kind of started going through my brain.

I always looked at some girls and thought whys my stomach not as flat, why don’t i look good in the dress sense like they do, why doesn’t my skin look so healthy why cant i pull of anything like they do. CONSTANT THOUGHTS, CONSTANT DRAINAGE.

This led me to believe that the only way I wasn’t is because the food i was eating,wasn’t good to make me that way. I was slightly chubby at this age, was a bit of a serial slacker – which i think to my own belief now was because i was hurting so much.

I used to hang around with this girl and we would always go this cafe for lunch, and one day i thought no i wont eat, I’ve had breakfast so thats enough for today. I tortured myself by watching her eat every single piece and just the smell was going to get me through.

I kind of started this for a few weeks, probably months, never thought anything about it. I started the gym next, so I wasn’t only going to be restricting what i was eating but also now adding in exercise which at the time i thought why not do this and this will make me look like all of them FASTER!!.

Boy was i wrong, i never really saw much results, in my eyes anyway. But to someone looking in was this small petite girl who was getting thinner and thinner, iller and iller by the day.

I at the time had then started, swimming every tuesday, running most days, doing ab exercises, walking everywhere i could, step count was stupid, but I wasn’t eating that much.. I don’t actually think i came out of this for years, because at the time i was just told aw just at, eat more, come on Amy just eat. But someone who was covering there emotions with this and no one seemed to even think twice that this could be an eating disorder.

I kind of had to learn myself just to ease off a bit, just to relax a bit more, over the years i was then told I had nxiety with stress, depression and suffering symmetrical and ordering ocd.

So there again the eating disorder was never brought to life.

UNTIL 2.5 years a go i started this management job, which i then ran myself into the ground and it was then that people noticed by bones peaking through, i played with my food more than i ate it and my meals consisted of 2 large bottles of lucozade.

That was when i got told oh you may have a bit of an eating disorder, i then let like finally someone can see my pain.

I then started my journey… to recovery…..

Right here we go…. (deep deep breath)… I guess I should somewhat describe what the blog is going to go into, a bit about myself and my struggles.

It’s took me a lot of courage to go ahead and put my story on so many online platforms, I’ve learned over the years on how to act towards this and how much it can help someone else, because at the end of the day we do not know what some other people are going through.

I deal with a lot of problem – anxiety, depression, ocd, eating disorder – so mainly this blog is going to be like my own book but a self help to others (i hope so anyway) I mean even if It doesn’t I’m not going to get down, I just feel it’s something I thrive off of, having inspirations and having someone to almost look up to.

I have had anxiety for what seems like A LONG ASS TIME. So bare with me as I hit the throwback machine and get myself into a comfy position.

So grab your cuppa and biscuits – whatever munchies really, enjoy the read because this is gonna be one longggggg ride…

Ok ok here we go, so I guess il start from when I knew about my anxiety, I always had this problem with deep breathing like I felt I couldn’t catch a breathe, I always got told to stop doing that, or like why do you do that, unbeknown to a lot of people – me included – that was me taking a panic attack or should I say having symptoms of anxiety.. this started at 14!!!.

As I go through this blog I am really going to zoom in on timescales , issues etc etc so I might miss out parts but that’s o I can properly describe it to you all in some other areas also.

Anyways back to the blog … can you see I go off tangent a lot , imagine how I am when I get into a conversation I explain my life in 2 seconds . Anyways for what seems like a long time it really has been a big part of my growing up having dealt with a lot of mental health issues and not knowing exactly what was going on in my head.

I suffered until I was 19 nineteen before I got any sort of help from anyone, so for a whole 5 years I was in the dark, whilst dealing with issues such as bullying, not having friends , hating school, going through different stages with my weight.

I just couldn’t wait to know what I had, and I guess for some that might be what you need, sometimes I feel I need to say it to myself in order for myself to really understand what it is, I read a lot up on each topic because again then my mind can register exactly what is going on and how I MYSELF can help.

Because remember it’s YOU whom helps THEMSELF!

So as we can see I’ve had anxiety for 5 years, dealt with a lot of childhood trauma before I got anything , I remember the ocd kicking in I used to see it as if I had some things sitting a certain way then when someone walks in they are going to see it as perfect so therefore it masks my own problems.

It never can, remember they will always come back until they are set free because you don’t deserve those thoughts no one does.

I’ve suffered with eating also since I was at school, school age I was rather on the up side to be fair than the lower scale, I done everything wrong with dieting , I used to skip meals and just smell food so then I would feel like I was eating , years years down the line it led to me having baby plate for portioning and running miles on end to burn it off.

I then had the dose of depression , know when I say dose I’m not saying like oh I had a little taste for a few weeks and then left it, no I didn’t I just had bad episodes then good ones – if there is a good – days where I could handle myself , days I wanted to bury in a blanket , but it’s something now at age 25 I can safely say I’ve not had a black episode since last year!

Don’t get me wrong , I’m on anti depressants, I do a lot A LOT of self help, read a lot of law of attraction books, mindfulness, journaling I’ve had therapy, yeah they all HELP me but they don’t CURE me, I only cure myself by taking those things I’m doing deep down and process them.

Anyways I guess il leave this blog here, I’ve kind of touched a bit of my past, I mean if I done the whole thing it would be classified as a big old book.

So until next time honeys xx